The Place of Rant

Meanwhile... My First Sermon

2008-10-27T08:34:59Z

Meanwhile over at Flickering in the Dark...

I gave my first sermon on Sunday night. The text of it is posted in my other journal [see link above]. More reflections on the experience to follow.

I welcome any feedback you want to offer.

David

PS The request for feedback in particular goes to these three people...

1/ Kasey: because you were there.
2/ Geoff: because you were there.
3/ Aeditimi: because your blog is awesome and I am genuinely curious as to what your thought on my sermon would be. [I understand though if you don't have time / its too much like work]

Scientific Study Reveals: What Women Really Think About!

2008-07-31T07:59:57Z

My Next Milperra post has been delayed due issue of dubious nature... So in the meantime I present a newspaper article which is part of my latest writing project. As always, I welcome comments.

Scientific Study Reveals: What Women Really Think About!

Preliminary findings of a University of New South Wales (UNSW) study released today might finally answer one of life’s greatest mysteries. What is it that occupies women’s minds? The controversial answer: Fluffy Pink White Elephants. Even more startling, they think of the elephants every seven seconds.

The study, was conducted by a team at UNSW, over the last three years under the supervision of Dr. Steven Doyle. The aim? Understand the thinking behaviors of women

The startling discovery initially came as a result of a student prank. Explains Dr. Doyle “On of my PhD students put the question in as a joke for one of the survey batches, the results were so astounding that we had to explore the matter further.”

One of the team researcher and graduate students Ms Susan Jones was at first doubtful about the results. “My concern about the results a first was based on the fact that I don’t think of fluffy pink white elephants all the time”, says Susan, “so I decided to undergo the test myself and found that in the process that I do in fact think of fluffy pink white elephants every seven seconds!”

Tracy Lau, Student Women’s Officer at UNSW, was outraged at the study. “I’m outraged”, said Lau in a press release. Later in the day she clarified her position. “I can’t believe that a study conducted at UNSW would have such misogynistic results, this is an alarming example of men trying resurrect a culture of power and patriarchy.”

Dr. Doyle refutes Lau’s allegations, “This is about science pure and simple, I find Ms Lau’s reactionary response to be very disturbing. Frankly, a leader of students should be someone who seeks to learn truth, especially when it challenges their own understanding of the world.”

Like many groundbreaking discoveries this one raises more questions than it answers. “Of all the possible things to think about why fluffy pink white elephants?” asks Doyle. “For that matter what does a white pink elephant actually look like? It boggles the mind,” says an awestruck Doyle “pink and white are two distinct colours! Thinking about a fluffy elephant that’s two distinct colours at the same time, we just don’t know how that is even possible!”

But the final word has to go to Ms Jones, “Looking at these results and how much even I think about the fluffy pink white elephants, you have to wonder, how do women get anything done?”

School of Discipleship – Short People

2008-07-31T07:52:55Z

Meanwhile over at Flickering in the Dark...

School of Discipleship - Short People

This one was meant to be about electives... damn children messing up everything.

School of Discipleship – Main Talks

2008-07-22T09:54:27Z

Meanwhile over at Flickering in the Dark...

School of Discipleship - Main Talks

This one is not as well thought out as I would like... but then thats because I don't enough attention.

School of Discipleship - Small Groups

2008-07-18T13:39:36Z

Meanwhile over at Flickering in the Dark...

School of Discipleship - Small Groups

Even if you weren't there/have no idea what I am talking about!

Check it out!

Go comment!

School of Discipleship - Introduction

2008-07-17T03:57:37Z

Meanwhile over at Flickering in the Dark...

I've decided, for reasons of strange obsecurity, to post a note here whenever I post an entry at my other journal "Flickering in the Dark"

The new entry there is the first in a series about the School of Discipleship. If you want to know more you'll just have to go over there won't you?

Milperra - The Discovery

2008-07-15T03:39:25Z

It is with great regret that I must open this post with an apology. You see comrades, I was going to put this post up weeks ago, exposing those who try to convince us, the people of Sydney that the suburb of Milperra exists, when it in fact does not. I am human however; the shadowy figures behind this conspiracy most foul attempted to bribe me. And it saddens me to admit that they were at first successful. What can I do but apologise for my lapse in judgement? My betrayal of your trust?

But there is something I can do… I can speak out, put my safety on the line, and do what must be done!

EXPOSE the Milperra Conspiracy

My allies and I first stumbled upon the Milperra Conspiracy in the early months of 2001. We were innocent back then, knowing nothing of the evils of the world, content in our own fairy-floss universe. Everyone was nice and looked after other people. But that belief was soon to be shaken to its very core.

Back in those brighter times Kasey ignatius_jones, Gen queen_gen and I would drive around the streets of Sydney going wherever Kasey’s random steering and avoidance of toll roads would take us. We were happy back then, the only problem in our travels being the alarming frequency with which Kasey had to dodge invisible sheep. (On the matter of invisible sheep, there seem to be no more in Sydney now; where have they all gone I wonder).

But this carefree travel was soon to come to an end. For you see it was noticed by Gen that all over Sydney, wherever we travelled. There was a sign, a sign that said Milperra (and an arrow indicating a direction). So we stoped following Kasey’s whimsical steering in favour of following the signs to Milperra. But we never got there. Night after night for two months we searched for Milperra diligently following the signs whenever we encountered them. We tried approaching it from all different directions, an attempt to catch the suburb by surprise. But still we could not locate the suburb despite what the signs suggested.

After the two months we reached the inevitable and disturbing conclusion. Milperra does not exist! Thus the seven year search to uncover the truth began!

Legal Battles

2008-06-08T03:54:18Z

By all that is north of Hades!

Well that was a long few months to be absent from writing for The Place of Rant. Well strictly speaking it was a fairly standard few months some being 31 days, some shorter at 30 days and with the normally lazy February putting in some extra effort to clock up its personal record equaling 29 days!

But now is not the time to discuss the severe shortcomings of the month of February. Unfortunately for the time being we will have to be content that it was given a stern talking to and asked to pick up its act for 2009; if it doesn't then we will have to look into getting a brand new month to do February’s damn job (suggestions welcome).

So what happened to The Place of Rant over the last (albeit shorter than should have been) few months? The short answer is legal battles... but then you could have figured that out by reading the title of my post. So I am forced to assume that you want more information. In January (now there's a month that puts in a bit of effort) I started preparing for The Place of Rants annual Campaign Month (April - The month that cares...). This year it was going to focus on one import issue rather than spread itself out over multiple problems. The issue I was going to focus surrounds the Sydney suburb of Milperra. I say surrounds because it is the simple fact that the suburb of Milperra, despite what you may have been led to believe, does not exist. It is a fiction, an elaborate fiction that we have been duped into believing for reasons most sinister. But that is an issue for another post where we can explore that issue further.

For now know that the reason I was away was due to the legal battles I had to undertake as those behind the conspiracy tried to suppress my voice and my ability to distribute this crucial information about the shear extent and underhandedness behind making everyone believe that the suburb of Milperra actually exists. All for reasons that deeply trouble me and have stirred me into action; and due to my win in the courts, will also deeply trouble and stir you into action.

We will not be silenced!

Cop Out - 2007

2008-01-02T11:25:40Z

Once again it is time for The Place of Rant’s annual year in review. This as always is a time for me to ask myself random questions so that you, my readers, may once again ponder the stability of my mental state.

Q1/ Is there anyone/anything you wish to thank?

I would like to give a big shout out to the year two thousand and seven. At first you looked like you were going to produce a similar poor performance to 2006. But then in late January you wowed audiences and critics with a bold thematic change. I personally found the “giving David a full-time job” one of the great plot points of the last 25 years, though I may be biased.

I think what really wowed people though was how you followed-up with more. Not happy with one bold thematic change you continued throughout the year. The change in government was a particular highlight and something that other years considered but to scared to commit to. I was a little concerned when you publicly lent your support to the Labor party, Kevin ’07, campaign. I typically like years to keep their opinions out of politics but what else could we expect from such a bold year? Congratulations 2007, 2008 has a lot to live up to.

Q2/ What happened to the last record of a Just a Noble Quest from 2006?

Well uh… you see… its… Hey! That is a question based on events from 2006 that followed onto 2007, the question is not really about 2007 at all! How dare you? Anyway, the records were destroyed in a fire, yes… that’s what happened… and then the fire and quest log were eaten by a pan-dimensional being… I tried to slay the pan-dimensional being but failed because I was too slow. Thankfully someone else wasn’t too slow and slayed it for me. But it was too late the record of final Just and Noble Quest was lost.

Q3/ What did you think would be ‘the way of the future’ in 2007 but wasn’t?

I thought kilts would make a comeback. Seriously. It’s sad it didn’t happen really, my surname and thus heritage are Scottish – we have our own tartan I could have worn.

Q4/ Could 2007 have done with more Leopards?

Clearly the answer to that question is yes. Leopards keep things interesting. Think about it, you would be more inclined to watch the news if there was a segment called Leopard Watch.

Q5/ What should 2007 have had more of?

Kissing, in particular with me involved, with a woman roughly my age ideally as a willing participant.

Q6/ You call that a question? This is a question!

No, the first part was a question, but a rhetorical one that it’s not intended that I answer. The second part “This is a question!” is a statement… or to be more precise an exclamation as denoted by the use of “!”

Q6 (edit)/ You call that a question! This is a question?

Now your just confused and unsure of yourself, but yes now you are a question!

Q7/ So who is your current crush as of the end of 2007?

What? I can’t tell you that! She reads this journal! What kind of person just asks personal questions without thought of the possible consequences of answering that in a public forum? I must have my secrets or at least have the illusion of secrets!

Q8/ Would Domination - how goes it?

Its been going well. Workchoices legislation proved to be a particular boon to my progress. Individual contracts were useful in setting up the most productive working conditions for my minions. The key problem with taking over the world that most people don’t expect or realise is that the Union of Serving Workers And Regulated Minions (U-SWARM) is one of the most powerful unions in Australia.

I mean you should see the leave entitlements these guys have. Check this clause out “45.3 b) All Minions and Servants shall be entitled to, from the commence of employment, three months paid imprisonment leave, per annum, if arrested in following out work duties.” I mean really, that is ridiculous, how I supposed to afford that? Thankfully removing that clause passed the fairness test. Unfortunately I suspect that I will have to reinstate it following a repealing of Workchoices.

Q9/ Is it an issue that the time required to generate a meta-human through scientific means negates the usefulness of the attempted astrological feat?

Uh… I have no idea what you’re going on about… I’m just going to smile enigmatically and back away slowly.

Q10/ Major Theological Question of 2007?

The problem is simple; rainbows are caused by the refraction of sunlight through moisture in the air. Now therefore, there are three components to create rainbows: the Sun, water in the air and the physics of refraction. Genesis established that the Sun was around from the fourth day of creation. Since water in the air is essential to the sustaining of life and the ecosystem we can assume that was around from early on also so as to sustain the plants. So after the flood, when God creates rainbows was probably when the refraction process began. My question is this; does this mean that the sky was only blue after the flood?

Four Common Mistakes About Love

2007-12-30T06:16:45Z

What I have here are what I believe to be four common mistakes about love. Please note: I am talking about romantic love not love of a coffee, parents or Fridays.

Mistake the First: Love is Pink

No! No! No! Love is not pink you damn fool! Love is many things, things too numerous to mention but one thing it is most definitely not is pink! If anything it is colourless, but if forced to pick a colour why in all manner of creation would you think love is pink? Why not at least say red, a strong passionate colour? If I, at this stage, were forced to choose a colour it would be dark blue, full of mystery, longing with a hint of hope. Most importantly though, and I hope you noticed this, I did not pick pink! Pink is at most a colour I would ascribe to the idea thinking someone is cute... or better yet to fairy-floss.

Mistake the Second: The best way to tell a new person that you like them is to just kiss them.

I need to break this to you, if you think going for the first kiss, without any prior discussion about feelings, is a good plan then you are either drunk or sadly mistaken. Television and movies have lied to you. If you or the kissee are drunk enough for you to get away with the kiss then there is a good chance that one or both of you won't remember the kiss. Even if you both do remember the kiss then it will be put down to the alcohol talking (or eh... kissing). But if you are both not drunk it is still not going to work and here is why.

Say, for example, I like a girl (a not wholly unexpected occurrence) and the girl likes me (I know, stretching plausibility here, stay with me...) but as is typical in these stories we don’t know we both like each other. Now me and this hypothetical girl are alone somewhere vaguely romantic. If I were to lean in for the kiss it would result in all manner of pain. At a guess I would say a head injury of some kind. Why? Even when the girl likes me? Because I don’t know the girl likes me, we haven’t talked about it or any such thing. The kiss to show how you feel is idiotic, presumptuous and devalues the other person and their feelings... it is in fact an unloving gesture.

Mistake the Third: Love is Easy.

If you think this then please leave my universe right now. I understand that most people don't think leaving a universe is easy. However if you think love is easy then leaving my universe should, by extension, also be easy. What? You can't leave? Well aren't you in some bother, I ask you to leave and you can't. Yet, you think love is easy. Its people like you that deserve to be shot (hence my suggestion to leave my universe - it would be safer for you elsewhere).

Mistake the Fourth: Love is best seen in the Grand Gestures

NO! Love is not best seen in the Grand Gestures such as expensive jewellery, overseas trips or even proposals of marriage. Sure love is most easily seen in the gestures of grand scale. But it is best seen in the smaller gestures. Listening to someone vent even when you have absolutely no idea what they are going on about, being a friend when they need a friend, doing some of their dishes when they are not looking and things of this nature. Small gestures that may go unnoticed, which is okay because these gestures aren't done for kudos. What I am trying to say is that love is best seen when it is most elusive, when the recipient or others aren't even sure a loving gesture or action has occurred.

Lobster Song

2007-08-25T14:11:37Z

A question was raised by highlyeccentric why would you write a song about being a lobster? Whilst this is not a song about being a lobster, it is a song about a lobster...

Once a rich man, all I did was pout
But now a poor man down and out
How did this happen?
How far can you see?
It was the lobster that won over me!

Chorus:
Oh what a lobster!
What is there to do?
Oh what a lobster,
Lording over you!

I was high up, putting others down,
I would curse them, make them frown
Who could stop me?
Who could see?
Only the lobster frowning back at me!

Chorus:
Oh what a lobster!
What is there to do?
Oh what a lobster,
Lording over you!

Bridge:
It creeped, it ran,
behind me it was,
when I turned 'round all it said was,
"I am the lobster and the curse stops here!"

Chorus:
Oh what a lobster!
What is there to do?
Oh what a lobster,
Lording over you!

Now but a poor man I can see,
The curse I placed on others, returned to me!
Someone stopped me?
Someone could see?
It was a lobster who set me free!

Chorus:
Oh what a lobster!
What is there to do?
Oh what a lobster,
Lording over you!

The Fifth Night

2007-08-24T13:11:34Z

The angel sat watching quietly as the woman packed up her workshop. Yes, that is what she called it, a workshop. The angel hadn't seen anything like it before. Objects, concepts both wondrous and mundane littered throughout the room. At the centre was the box into which the woman placed items from the workshop. She seemed to have some method to this. What that method was the angel couldn't fathom; only that some things were placed with great care, others just dropped in as discarded junk.

Suddenly the woman spoke, "My creation didn't work; it was failure."

"Don't know," replied the angel, "this is pretty." The angel held up what appeared to be a small plastic animal.

The woman casually dropped some plants into the box before turning her attention to the angel and the animal it had offered up as pretty. She considered the angel and animal. "Yes, it looks pretty, my angel. It is good. It does keep tripping over its seventh leg though."

She carefully breathed over the animal in the angel's hand. The animal began to move across the angel's palm. No sooner had it taken a few steps than the seventh leg moved forward clipping the fifth, causing the animal to fall over. The woman took pity on the animal, gently took it from the angel and lovingly placed it in her box.

"Poor thing doesn't even have a name," said the woman, now turning her attention to some stardust she had strewn over a bench.

"I don't have a name," replied the angel. For the first time since she had started packing, the woman stopped. The stardust she had been paying careful attention to slipped away from her, forming a white dwarf star. The woman grabbed the star, quickly placing it in the box.

"Do you know why you are here angel? In this place, with me?" asked the woman.

"I am here because you created me to be here."

"I wanted company, as best as you can give it anyway. This workshop I created because I wanted your company.” The woman looked around bitterly, before choosing to continue. “All this is good, it’s just not enough. You don't even have a name, you don't know what it is to love."

"Can I learn what it is to love?" replied the angel.

"No, nothing here can."

The woman and angel existed in silence for a while. The void that was the room’s walls suddenly looking more real to the angel than before the conversation had started.

When the angel finally spoke, it chose its words carefully. The angel felt it understood why it was really created, not for company, but to have an idea - this idea. "All in this workshop is good, but none of it has a choice.” The angel could now feel the woman’s full attention. “I can learn some things, but I can't choose what I learn. Nothing to strive for, nothing to hope for.” The woman’s focus became stronger almost too much for the angel to withstand. “What if you created something that could choose its fate, something like you? Something that can strive and hope, maybe then could love?"

The woman considered this.

The woman changed.

She became more present. The void was pushed back. Everything that had been placed in the box spilled out, flying in every direction. Wonders that were very nearly destroyed came alive again.

The woman looked at it all and once again saw it was good. Turning back to the angel before she started on her new task, the woman said "Angel, I think that idea is Very Good."

Crabby Saturday

2007-08-01T13:01:15Z

I have been told italics is a writing device that is almost never used well. What follows is not only an example of poor usage because I ‘tell’ you my thoughts rather than ‘show’ them. But also because I am sure I will regret this after I post it.

On Saturday night I shall be crabby and irritating to be around. Why? How can I tell the future so well? Perhaps a story will shed some light. What follows is how I see events unfolding when I see the girl I like on Saturday. To protect my dignity I shall call the girl in question Ginny Weasley – if only because if somebody asks I can pass this off as INCREDIBLY poorly written Harry Potter fan-fiction.

[Ginny and I arrange to meet up in a trendy café in Sydney’s Eastern Suburbs. And ‘lo, we are in a trendy café in Sydney’s Eastern Suburbs!]
Waiter: What would you guys like?
Why did you agree to meet Ginny in a café David? You both loathe and detest coffee. This is hardly going to add to your macho cred…
Ginny: I’ll have a skim cap. two sugars
David: Hot Chocolate
See right there, massive loss of macho points
Ginny: So what have you been up to David?
David: Work, usual stuff, you?
Ginny: Same
Well that in no way stimulated conversation.

And then this is what we traditionally call an awkward silence

Just think of a topic… uh… will you go out with me, but we are already out, having coffee – well hot chocolate. Anyway I would love to…

Maybe a different topic?
David: Hey, did you hear Ron’s engaged?
Ginny: Yeah, how surprising was that?
[This inane and annoying conversation continues for some time during which our drinks arrive… so I’ll sum up “Ron! Engaged! Unexpected as a panther! So happy for him!” So happy for him my eye, why can’t I be engaged, to Ginny for preference.
I’ll pick up this tale when Ginny changes the topic.]
Ginny: So, how is your new Bible study going?
David: Good, Luna in particular is great.
Crap, David be careful, does she know you used to like Luna? What if she thinks you still do!
David: Neville is good too, the way things and say don’t really cool.
Ah incoherence, always the way of the future, at least that probably distracted her… if she needed distracting.
David: How is your…
You have very little idea what she does in her spare time David, how on earth did you think you were going to finish this question?
David: … book reading going?
Okay, that was pretty good
[The conversation continues, she mentions books, that for the most part, I haven’t even heard of – we’ll resume the tale ten minutes later]
Ginny: We seem to have both finished our drinks. What do you want to do now?
Go to your apartment and make out all afternoon…
David: Don’t know
Ginny: Its okay, I’ve got stuff I should be doing anyway, take care David.
Do Something, Anything???
David: You too Ginny
Well David, you once again failed completely and totally to express ANY interest in her whatsoever. I must say, that was inept beyond the telling of it.

There ends the tale, wouldn’t you be crabby after such an inept attempt at flirting, being honest about your feelings and drinking a particularly awful cup of hot chocolate. (I know, that last one wasn’t in my tale – but the events are going to occur in a trendy Eastern Suburbs café, and you can’t be a trendy café without shockingly horrible hot chocolate.)

Shakespearean Language

2007-07-26T12:13:02Z

I was challenged to write something that sounded Shakespearean in style yesterday... so I did.

Verily I sayeth unto you,
thine is a fools quest!
Thou hast the vision of a toad,
the knack of a troll, the prowess of a tree!

Thou sayeth thou working?
Thou sayeth thou not a fool?
A fool thou art sayeth I,
a fool and a scallywag!

Return to thine castle!
Return to thine place of rest!
Rot there! Die!
Save our lands from thine irksome sin!

Campaign Month 2007 - Addicting

2007-04-29T07:48:27Z

We have another contribution to campaign month! This one is about the word "addicting"... or rather the non-word "addicting"... or rather... well you'll get the idea when you read it for yourself!

Stop using the word "Addicting"

Have reading-tastic fun!

Campaign Month - 2007: Confuzzled

2007-04-27T07:29:26Z

Confuzzled is a great word, I know I haven't used it ever before in my Place of Rant, but nevertheless here it is... In campaign month... In its own posting no less. Why does it get its own posting I assume you ask. Well not only is it one of my favourite words, as such requiring a somewhat grander entrance to my Place of Rant than lower, more common words. Confuzzled gets it own post in campaign month because it is not in the dictionary.

The lack of presence of the word "confuzzled" in the dictionary is a gross oversight. It is a beautiful word. Go on, say it right now, feel it move in your mouth, its flavour, texture. I'll give you a moment...

Now tell me that such a word should not have a place in our official English lexicon! What, you think it shouldn't be there because it does not clear meaning? Maybe this whole post has you kinda puzzled, your a little confused as to why I am writing this. But neither of those words really sum up your feelings about the word confuzzled... well the correct word to use is right here.

Confuzzled!

See! perfect! A beautiful word which covers an epic hole in our beloved English language!

And now for what I ask you to do for campaign month! Use the word confuzzled in your everyday speech, write it down in stories, assignments and love letters, tell your friends to use it, link people to this post. Do anything that will make it impossible for those who put dictionaries together to ignore us and, more importantly, impossible for them to ignore the word confuzzled!

Campaign Contribution

2007-04-22T02:06:18Z

Greetings all, due to my late start of campaign month and my to busyness to post I have decided to extend campaign month into part of May, I mean what would The Place of Rant be without loose definitions of words such as "month". But for now I provide you with a contribution to campaign month provided by the ever so wonderful Miss Amy.

Take the Tooth Fairy to the ACA

Do you have a contribution for campaign month, write it, put it on the internet somewhere, tell me and I will link to you. Or if you just have an idea but don't feel to inclined to write about it yourself you can leave a comment here and I may write about it for you.

Campaign Month 2007 - Reminders

2007-04-10T12:37:16Z

ARGH! Its April! Why did no one remind me that its campaign month?? An annual tradition and it is running late! Okay, so it has only happened once before... but I told you all it was going to be annual... okay alluded to it being annual... well, vaguely pointed in the direction of annual and threatened violence. But that is as good as telling you all! I mean how could you mistake these words of last year?

Well here we are at the end of April, the close of campaign month... I thank all of you whose support and involvement helped make campaign month the success it was. To those of you who didn't help, I am disappointed in you, consider this a warning. By next year I expect you to have shaped up and be doing a much better job or else some pretty nasty stuff will ensue.

So this brings me to the first campaign of campaign month; Reminders. Now normally I would talk in general terms in campaign month on why reminders are useful and need our support. But not this time! I am selfish, YOU need to remind me of things.

1/ What is it that is worth campaigning about in campaign month? What is it that needs our support that normally wouldn't get our attention? Examples from last year include Pax Gnomena, The Fairytale Party of Australia, Adopt a Student and Apathy. Remind me what issues are important to you!

2/ You don't have to rely on me either, if you have a campaign that needs supporting that normally wouldn't, you can write it up yourself! I will link you for campaign month! The only condition is that is something that normally wouldn't get attention (as the examples above). But that is a great way to remind me of what I need to know!

3/ Finally, REMIND ME NEXT YEAR THAT WE ARE IN APRIL AND THAT IS BLOODY WELL CAMPAIGN MONTH!!! Or better yet you could remind me in late March so I have time to prepare! Either way remind me!

Quest Log - Concealment

2007-04-02T11:46:32Z

A quick reminder that you were warned! If you don't believe you were warned follow this link! FOLLOW IT!!!! Thats it for the warnings and disclaimers

I was challenge as a result of my Cop Out – 2006 to provide Quest Logs of my completed Just and Nobel Quests. What Follows is an annotated Quest Log for one of those quests.

07/10/06 12:36 – User lepsdavid Logged In

Current XP: 282110; Next Level 300000

Current Location is “Central Station”

Current Active Quest(s): See Lady Friend, World Domination, Lunch of Fun, Who Killed Mr Wolf?

I had finally decided to take a Saturday and finish the quest See Lady Friend.

User Entry: Go “Blue Train Line”, exit Como

You are at “Como Station”, 34 (THIRTY-FOUR) Minutes have elapsed, what do you wish to do?

Okay this drags a bit… I’ll skip ahead to the Just and Noble Quest part, I succeed in the quest of See Lady Friend. I am now in Lady Friend’s house after having lunch and talking at length about “popular television show”. I’m lying on the sofa and she is sitting in a comfy chair nearby.

‘Lady Friend’ is a little cold, she puts on a tight fitting jumper.

There are many things that you don’t want to have after the words “Item Added:” in a quest log. For example; Item Added: ‘Black Eye’, Item Added: ‘Influenza’, or Item Added: ‘Corpse’. What follows, at least in this case, is such an item.

Item Added: ‘Bulge in Pants’ [Expected Duration 9 (NINE) minutes]

At least the Quest Log uses euphuisms instead of being explicit…

New J&N Quest Added – Concealment

You have acquired the Item ‘bulge in pants’ you must conceal this item from ‘Lady Friend’ to protect her from getting the wrong (or right) idea.

Okay… HOW THE HELL DID THIS GET JUST AND NOBLE QUEST STATUS??? Anyway, now I need a plan of action, as little movement as possible would be good, mustn’t draw attention. Maybe…

User Entry: Move ‘left leg’ to scratch ‘left knee’.

Your leg is now between line of sight of ‘Lady Friend’ and ‘bulge in pants’

Success! Now to play the waiting game…

2 (TWO) Minutes have elapsed.

Only two, that’s not enough time to lose ‘bulge in pants’ by a long shot.

Lady Friend stands up and starts moving towards Sofa to sit next to you.

Oh dear… time to break out the big guns

User Entry: Execute Manoeuvre: ‘27 Beta Tango 5 part 1’

skill roll for ‘27 Beta Tango 5 part 1’ plus modifiers is 17 (SEVENTEEN), you succeed!

You sit up moving in such a way that at least one of your arms is in the line of site as you move. You are now sitting up arms crossed with a pouting look on your face implying your indigence that you had to move. Your left hand is also holding a cushion ready for the second half of the manoeuvre.

‘Lady Friend’ sits down next to you

Ah God bless whomever thought of the 27 Beta Tango 5 manoeuvre

User Entry: Execute Manoeuvre: ‘27 Beta Tango 5 part 2’

skill roll for ‘27 Beta Tango 5 part 2’ plus modifiers is 14 (FOURTEEN), you succeed!

You swing the cushion to hit ‘Lady Friend’, Impacting on each syllable of the Phrase “You, made, me, move.” After the word “move” the cushion lands “accidentally” on your lap.

I’m glad part to worked, not only for the quest, but I have failed that skill roll in the past and know that the corner of a cushion in someone’s eye results in complaints.

User Entry: Talk ‘Lady Friend’; topic = Recent Release Film

6 (SIX) Minutes have elapsed.

‘Lady Friend’ is bored, she begins to tickle you.

Skill roll minus modifiers 14 (FOURTEEN). Success, the cushion remains in place.

Self Control Roll minus modifiers 5 (FIVE). Failure.

Well… this does not bode well for our hero…

Duration of ‘Bulge in Pants’ increases by 4 (FOUR) minutes, expected remaining duration is 5 (FIVE) minutes.

Argh! But I was so close to everything being fine! Damn it! I’m getting a cup of tea.

User Entry: Say to Lady Friend; “I’m getting a cup of tea”

User Entry: Run to Kitchen

You have given ‘Lady Friend’ a chance to preform a spot check. ‘Lady Friend’ spot roll plus modifiers is 12 (TWELVE). ‘Lady Friend’ fails to spot ‘Bulge in Pants’

You are in the Kitchen

User Entry: Execute Manoeuvre: ‘Make Tea’

skill roll for ‘Make Tea’ minus modifiers is 16 (SIXTEEN), you succeed!

3 (THREE) minutes have elapsed, You now have a cup of tea on the bench.

Ah sweet (well bitter really, I don’t have mink or sugar) tea!

‘Lady Friend’ runs in to the kitchen, to quickly to preform a spot check and goes for a spur of the moment hug.

User Entry: Shit!! Quick make sure you hug with only your upper body David, upper body only!

SYNTAX ERROR

Stupid user interface…

User Entry: ‘Hug’; ‘upper body only’

Roll for Dexterity Check, Natural 20!

You complete the hug of all upper body hugs! Gain + 25 (TWENTY-FIVE) experience points and +1 (ONE) charisma point!

Phew, now to my tea, I think I have earned it.

User Entry: Drink ‘Tea’

You attempt to drink ‘Tea’. The ‘Tea’ is BOILING HOT, you burn your tongue, take 1 (ONE) HP of damage. The Searing pain and incoherent swearing distracts you from item ‘bulge in pants’. Without your attention ‘bulge in pants’ stops working.

Item Lost: ‘Bulge in ‘Pants’

J&N Quest Completed: Concealment

You gain +1000 experience points for Completing the Quest Concealment

Good, I am glad that’s over, I may be in pain and unable to talk properly but, that was one of the worst Just and Noble Quests I have ever had to undertake. I’m going before something else happens.

User Entry: Log Out User ‘lepsdavid’

You now have 283635 XP

07/10/06 14:17 User lepsdavid Logged Out

You have been warned!

2007-03-30T23:55:29Z

On my MSN I have horoscopes.

The last few days it is as follows, "Horoscopes: Libra - Fool of self on Monday night you will make"

By that I mean here, in my Place of Rant. You will have to wait to see what kind of fool I mean. But know this, I was asked to provide quest logs of ALL five Just and Noble Quests I undertook last year. Not all are funny, some (and by that I mean one, this Monday) are more embarrassing than funny. You may learn things you did not want to know, but that's not my concern.

I just hope when the dust settles that you all remember that "THE FANS" demanded this! In a very real way the fact I have to put my fourth quest log up for viewing is YOUR FAULT. So I hope you are mature enough to deal with the consequences. Well deal with the consequences and find it amusing... 'cause that's why I am here.

David

Quest Log - Protect Bill Posters

2007-03-26T03:08:54Z

I was challenge as a result of my Cop Out – 2006 to provide Quest Logs of my completed Just and Nobel Quests. What Follows is an annotated Quest Log for one of those quests.

08/07/06 22:56 – User lepsdavid Logged In

Current XP: 263554; Next Level 300000

Current Location is “Home”

Current Active Quest(s): Find Sunglasses, See Lady Friend, World Domination, Panic of the Elves.

It was late on a Saturday night and I had finally decided I was going to figure out where my prescription sunglasses were.

User Entry: Look “Home”

You see many rooms, some of them habitable. There is another person ‘Mum’ currently in “Home”

User Entry: Talk ‘Mum’, topic = sunglasses

‘Mum’ tells you that your sunglasses are currently located on top of the television at “Home”.

This portion of the quest log glosses over the truth of the matter. The conversation between myself and mum actually went as follows.

Me: Mum, have you seen my sunglasses?

Mum: No, maybe if you cleaned your room you would know where they are.

Me: I’ve already searched my room, they’re not there, can you think if you’ve seen them elsewhere?

Mum: No, but it helps if you retrace your steps. When did you last see them?

Me: About six months ago.

Mum: Now, where did you last see them?

Me: I have no idea. It was six months ago!

Mum: I’m sure if you concentrate you’ll know where to find them.

Me: You know where my sunglasses are don’t you?

Mum: No, well yes, but you should try to figure it out yourself.

Me: …

Mum: Oh alright, they’re on top of the TV.

User Entry: Get ‘sunglasses’

Item added: ‘Sunglasses’

Quest Completed: Find Sunglasses

You gain +500 XP

Even though it was night, I hadn’t used my sunglasses in six months so I couldn’t resist.

User Entry: Use ‘sunglasses’

You put on the ‘sunglasses’, you notice that your coolness factor has now risen by +1 (ONE) point

New J&N Quest Added – Protect Bill Posters

Using the sunglass’ ability to block out the Sun’s glare you notice some mysterious men at “Construction Site” in “Maroubra Junction” painting up the words “Bill Posters will be Prosecuted” recalling your personal log “Bill Posters is Innocent” You realise something must be done.

Now it needs to be pointed out that I am unsure how I actually managed to see the mysterious men. First of all I was still at home, in the lounge room. You can’t see any part of Maroubra Junction from my lounge room window at any time let alone at night with the curtains drawn. Speaking of night, wouldn’t my vision have actually been hampered by my use of sunglasses not improved?

Anyway, I had collected some out of date Metallica Posters in my travels and thought what was a better time to use them than in a just and noble quest? Espically when it was to help Bill Posters.

User Entry: Go “Construction Site”, “Maroubra Junction”

You are at “Construction Site”, 7 (SEVEN) minutes have elapsed the time is now, time is now 23:03

User Entry: Use Metalica Posters

You place the Metalica Posters on the wall but they do not stick.

Grrr… stupid quest interface…

User Entry: Use Metalica Posters with Glue

You place the Metalica Posters on the wall; they now cover the words ‘Bill Posters will be prosecuted’

J&N Quest Completed: Protect Bill Posters

You gain +2000 experience points and LOSE 1 (ONE) moral standing for completion of Quest Protect Bill Posters

Its getting annoying that every time I do something to help Bill Posters I loose some moral standing! The people setting him up to be prosecuted have really done a number on the general population.

User Entry: Log out user lepsdavid

You now have 265554 XP

08/07/06 23:05 User lepsdavid Logged Out

Quest Log - Crossing the Divide

2007-01-23T12:44:51Z

I was challenged, as a result of my post Cop Out – 2006, to provide Quest Logs of my completed Just and Nobel (J&N) Quests. I will provide all five Quest Logs in time (though not all in chronological order for reasons that will become apparent later). Here is my the second log.

15/05/06 14:15 – User lepsdavid Logged In

Current XP: 250356; Next Level 300000

Current Location is “Education Building” at “Sydney University”

Current Active Quest(s): Find Sunglasses, See Lady Friend, World Domination.

Please Note, you currently have an active Just and Noble Quest: Crossing the Divide

I had just finished my classes for the day and was wondering what to do with the afternoon, so I checked my quest log to see if there was something I could do. Now I had been ignoring the Crossing the Divide quest for a while, in fact I had forgotten what it was… which goes along way to explaining this next bit of the log

User Entry: Check J&N Quest ‘Crossing the Divide’

There is a Little Old Lady, help her cross the street.

User Entry: Locate “Little Old Lady”

Little Old Lady is on the corner of Broadway and Abercrombie streets, location code: “LOL”

User Entry: Go “LOL”

You are at “LOL” 5 (FIVE) minutes have elapsed, time is now 14:20.

I have to say I felt particularly sorry for this little old lady it had been over a month since I saw her at that corner. Still, whoever had made the Just and Noble quest had not installed a time frame… so it didn’t really matter how long I had taken to get to her.

User Entry: Get ‘Little Old Lady’

Little Old Lady is surrounded by 2 (TWO) Boy Scout(s)

Damn! Ah well there was only one thing I could do if I wanted to complete my Just and Noble Quest

User Entry: Fight ‘Boy Scouts’

FIGHT! – Round 1:

User Entry: Attack ‘Boy Scout 1’

You attack Boy Scout 1, attack roll with modifiers is 18 (EIGHTEEN), you HIT! Damage Roll 4 (FOUR),

Boy Scout 1 is unconscious.

Boy Scout 2 FLEES!

You won the fight! Gain +70 (SEVENTY) experience, LOSE -1 (ONE) point moral standing.

Item Added: Little Old Lady

Only 70 expedience points and I lost a point of moral standing… I was outraged and wondered if this little old lady was worth it!

User Entry: Cross the Street

Little Old Lady does not want to cross the street with you; your moral standing has dropped too low!

As you can imagine I was not happy with this news… but damn it I was going to help the little old lady cross the road!

User Entry: Fight ‘Little Old Lady’

FIGHT! Surprise Round:

User Entry: Attack ‘Little Old Lady’

You attack Little Old Lady, attack roll with modifiers is 7 (SEVEN), you HIT! Damage Roll 2 (TWO)

Little Old Lady is unconscious.

You won the fight! Gain +20 (TWENTY) experience, LOSE -1 (ONE) point moral standing.

Item Added: Little Old Lady

There we go, now lets hear her complain about my moral standing!

User Entry: Cross the street

Item Lost: Little Old Lady

J&N Quest Completed: Crossing the Divide

You gain +1000 experience points and +3 (THREE) moral standing for completion of Quest Crossing the Divide

Now 1000 Experience Points and plus three moral standing, that’s what I’m talking about… though really it is only one point in moral standing because of the two I lost doing the quest but its still a plus.

User Entry: Log Out User ‘lepsdavid’

You now have 251446 XP

15/05/06 14:23 User lepsdavid Logged Out

Quest Log - Returning the Text

2007-01-15T12:05:28Z

I was challenged, as a result of my post Cop Out – 2006, to provide Quest Logs of my completed Just and Nobel Quests. I will provide all five Quest Logs in time (though not all in chronological order for reasons that will become apparent later). Here is my the first log

13/04/06 15:03 – User lepsdavid Logged In

Current XP: 233354; Next Level 300000

Current Location is “Home”

Current Active Quest(s): Find Sunglasses, Destroy Orc Stronghold, World Domination

I was at home looking for my prescription sunglasses when I stumbled on a library book.

Item Added: ‘Library Book’ (unique code for ‘Library Book’ is 562)

New J&N Quest Added – Returning the Text

You have found a ‘Library Book’ (562) that must be returned to “Fisher Library” in 1 (ONE) hour.

In this library book I had found a printed borrower slip with the return date as 13/4/2006. I’m not sure why I needed to return the book in an hour because the library didn’t close till ten but who am I to argue with a Just and Noble Quest?

So searched for my shoes and put them on. I ran out of the house with the book and went to the bus stop.

User Entry: Get Dressed

User Entry: Go “Local Bus Stop”

13/04/2006 15:17 You are at “Local Bus Stop”.

User Entry: Use Bus Number “393”, Exit “Railway Square”

You are at “Railway Square”: 30 (THIRTY) minutes have elapsed, time is now 15:47.

I wasn’t sure if I had enough time to get to the university now, damn those difficult to find shoes!

User Entry: Check J&N Quest ‘Returning the Text’

You have found a 'Library Book' (562) that must be returned to “Fisher Library” in 16 (SIXTEEN) minutes.

I decided not to catch a bus as I thought I would have time to run to the university.

User Entry: Go “Sydney University”

However all did not go according to plan. A little old lady was standing on the corner of Abercrombie Street and Broadway.

13/04/2006 15:54 New J&N Quest Added: Crossing the Divide

There is a ‘Little Old Lady’, help her cross the street.

Two Just and Noble Quest’s in the one day! But if I stopped to help the Little Old Lady I wouldn’t have time to complete the Return Library Book Quest. Luckily I realised that the Crossing the Divide quest did not have a time stamp. I could return later and complete that quest later so I continued on.

13/04/2006 16:01 You are at “University of Sydney”

User Entry: Go “Fisher Library”

13/04/2006 16:02 You are at “Fisher Library” What do you wish to do?

User Entry: Return ‘Library Book’, 562

Item Lost: ‘Library Book’ (562)

J&N Quest Completed: Return the Text

You gain +2000 Experience Points

Having completed a Just and Nobel Quest I thought that would do for the day, I could return to the little old lady and sunglasses later.

User Entry: Log Out User: lepsdavid

You now have 235354 XP

13/04/2006 16:02 User lepsdavid Logged Out

Cop Out - 2006

2007-01-08T05:13:32Z

It’s once again time to have the Place of Rant's annual year in review! The year in review this year is ... 2006! Let’s see everyone give 2006 a big congratulations for having so ably succeeded in maintaining the proper sequence in the chronological passage of time! As always the year in review will be in the form of Q&A.

Q1/ World Domination - 2006 - Status Update.
As much as it pains me to admit this, my world domination plans have fallen behind schedule this year. It started out largely according to plan. Wooing a beautiful girl who I could assassinate later as I become corrupted with absolute power; an intricate plan as to where I could acquire some cut price minions; I was even seriously thinking about where I might find a hero to whom I could be an arch-nemesis. Alas it all fell apart, the girl refused to be wooed; the minions sale turned out to be a police sting operation on minor villains (minor! - Who do they think they are calling minor? - vengeance will be mine!); and there was no real hero in sight except for myself (see question eight).

Q2/ Was 2006 a good year for wine?
Everything has a karmic balance and nowhere is this more apparent than in the manufacture and consumption of wine. Now I have no idea about how to make wine or what processes go into making a "good" wine. What I do know however is that my bad year for World Domination must have meant a good year somewhere. I have no doubt that this good year was in the wine industry.

Q3/ Pet Peeve of 2006?
Right, this is simple. My 2006 Pet Peeve goes to the opening credits of TV shows that show clips from the episode you are about to watch! In general I hate spoilers; it annoys me greatly when my favourite show decided that some spoilers in the opening credits are the way to go! It’s not like you have to advertise the show to me so that I will watch it... it’s the opening credits... I'm already watching the damn show! That’s right I'm looking at you Battlestar Galactica and Justice League: Unlimited.

Q4/ Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, good title for book seven?
In all honesty a title is a title; it’s designed to grab the attention of potential readers so that they buy the book... I don't know what you think but frankly the seventh Harry Potter book could be called Harry Potter and the Unclean Urinal and people will still be buy it when it’s released. That said Deathly Hallows is an interesting title that has raised my curiosity.

Q5/ New Celebrity Crush for 2006?
I had an elaborate plan to justify this answer... but it’s not needed, I'm comfortable enough in my heterosexuality. My new celebrity crush for 2006 is David Tennant who plays the title character in Doctor Who. For those who don't know who he is... shame... here a picture and a biography.

Q6/ Have you had your heart broken in 2006?
Surprisingly no. The girl who I was wooing was upfront about how much success she expected me to have (which is to say none). I tried anyway but when there was the aforementioned total lack of success is wasn't really heart-breaking. Plus it wasn't totally in vain; I did get a really good friend out of it all... which is better than a girlfriend anyway.

Q7/ Why isn't the Universal Equality Modulator working?
Because you’re an idiot, do you even know what a Universal Equality Modulator (UEM) does? I bet you lost the instruction manual as well... no wait... you have refused to read it because you want to figure out a powerful device such as a UEM to show how great you are... honestly I don't know what’s worse, the fact that I am surrounded by fools or the fact that they are not my minions!

Q7/ a/ Okay then what does the Universal Equality Modulator do?
How the hell should I know?

Q8/ Just and Noble Quests Completed?
Five, none of which involved a princess and/or a dragon.

Q9/ Why is this the first post you have made in three months and couldn't it have been a better one?
I decline to answer that question on the grounds that I don't want to answer it.

Q10/ Sexiest person you know who was living in Bangladesh in 2006?
This is a tight competition, high quality of candidates; all candidates demonstrated a high degree of intelligence and most importantly for this question know who I am! Given there is only one person in Bangladesh in 2006 that I know the winner of this highly sort after title has to go to Frances! Lets here it for Frances!

And that my friends is my 2006 in review.

DVD Dealer Dave

2006-10-23T08:47:18Z

Hi my name's Dave and I am a Dealer. A DVD Dealer.

I provide DVD's (particularly series) to members of my church community which has made me to become a 'dealer' of addictive substances. I have people addicted to Buffy: The Vampire Slayer, Angel, Firefly, Battlestar Galatica and Lost. All DVDs that I own and 'supply' (that is loan out/watch with) people with what they NEED.

Proof of my success occurred the other night when one of my best addicts' (an elder of our church, her poison is Buffy) knew she had to go to bed, but still wanted to watch another Buffy episode. I said no (stoping the DVD player) and she was overwrought... Her husband and good friend both witnessed this event. Phrases such as "Oh no, your dealer just cut you off!" were called out.

Ah the POWER! But there are other dealers in our church, supplying DVDs - Arrested Development, Black Books, Family Guy - decent products sure but the suppliers lack the compassion you get with DVD Dealer Dave. But still I must fight to retain market share. This is why I am proud to announce my latest two series straight from the selves of my local shopping mall. "Frontline" and "The Greatest American Hero".

But DVD Dealer Dave has been stretched to the limit! So I have enlisted the support of co-supplier for Frontline! What I am now in search for is a co-dealer for The Greatest American Hero. This is a much harder task, as it is not as well known a product. But I have faith in it, I have successfully addicted half of my church to quality product TV shows and soon The Greatest American Hero will join those great ranks. If you would like to join me in the task then you should approach me at one of the community houses or church. Signal your interest by looking shifty.